I think I need to change the name of this site...I'm not so mad anymore.

in listening to dr gabor mate I've gained an important insight into myself, namely that i live a lot of my life in the realm of hungry ghosts, always looking for something from the outside to feed me, and wonder if, as he says, my parents were under a lot of stress when I was young. it would explain why I've rocked myself to sleep for 49 years, obviously a self-soothing technique that raises my dopamine levels, and makes me feel connected as I think in whirl-wind about people and events, while I rock myself to sleep.
This puts my sudden enthrallment with the stories presented by "the Left" in relief. Am I so concerned about these issues, or are they a device whereby my body can generate a dopamine drip, in compensation for being around parents who weren't emotionally calm and available when I was young. They were young and without much education, my dad was innappropriately mad, and was probably suffering from developmental problems himself, and used alcohol to self-sooth himself.
How am i doing as a father, of a fourteen year old?
I haven't managed my expectations, and my love life, so have fallen into ways of thinking that justify my anger, and playing out small vignettes or drama-lets...five minutes of "being right" about this or that, using my family members a foil for these little plays, essentially my body bitching about not having my needs met for a very long time.
And no one else in the house is having their needs met either.
So, to say that we can't have a rational conversation about simple things is true, how do you talk about your feelings when your wife won't have sex with you for two years? It really needs family counselling.
On my part, I have felt a certain, healthy, sense of shame after these realizations, and that awareness has really prevented me from getting screwed up as I had been getting so easily and so frequently. Now I find I am able to use the tools I learned in Anger Management class, to do thought stopping, thought replacement, or writing down my feelings in the mood-log format to get at what's really driving me.

These realizations have given me a better understanding of my id and super-ego, and can sometimes see those components of myself in my thoughts, the ways I self-sooth and make myself right or just how i think i fit in (how I think I think I fit in, and how i've been white-washing the situation for a long time).

I've even, in the last few days, been more attuned to the spin on Democracy Now. There was a favorite story about to be re-hashed and I noticed the way it was completely over-stated, and it made me think I may have just exchanged one lens for another's in switching from the popular media to the Left's.

So, in effect what I've been bitching about is my own stupidity. As I am the one who was not a cautious news consumer. And I am the one who has hidden from the learning I so desire (I mean that I say to myself often that i feel most alive when i am learning something new, but when superiors have asked me to acquire specific new knowledge I have often run and hid).

So, now I'm at a point where my Life Training instructors said is the Kairos moment, the one moment that allows transformation. In other words, "what do i want to do about it?"

(sigh)
I am much more hopefull of change for the better, having been given this set of realizations, and having started on this path of self-treatment, but of course have to get my family on board or enroll others who can help me develop. And I've already formed a new understanding with my daughter, and need to deepen and strengthen our understanding, because in the absense of my spouse's help, I need hers more than ever.

We'll see.

War and Healthcare

We are talking as a nation about taking some of the profit out of healthcare. Now, I'm not a simpleton, and know they are much different issues, but we take a lot of profit from war. What if we were to make all war companies non-profit. Guns, Fighter Planes, Bombs, Tear Gas, Etc.
I think if we took the profit out of war, we'd see a lot less of it.
Superman believed in a "prime-directive" which was very simple: Preserve Human Life.
We should adopt a similar rule of law where war is concerned, not placing profit above human lives.
JUST MY TWO CENTS.

It Finally Fell Off

I had a roommate, who's still very dear to me, even tho he won't speak to me, named Bill Gildez. He could have become a comedian, but he got married instead. Anyway, when I was rooming with him I was like ten years younger then he was, and he told me when I turned twenty-nine, my penis would fall off.
I'm forty-nine, and it finally did. I feel fine otherwise. I have to admit, I think it's related to what's going on at home, so it may re-attach itself any day now, but it stopped working two days ago, no desires, no action, just a little tiny penis. hahaha
yes, i'm laughing at myself.
I guess these thing happen when your wife says she's leaving you and getting a divorce. hahaha
I'm sorry, it's not funny, but how i landed myself here is, and I am. Or, just annoying, LOL.
Good night, Gracie.

Why I'm Mad

I watched in anticipation as Prop 19 neared the race, was put on the ballot and then I heard that the drug czar had given instructions to all of the law enforcement offices in California that they should do whatever they need to to make sure this did not pass. A week and a half later I saw the DA's office in LA put on what was called an experiment, but was clearly as setup - they new if they allowed the adults to wait 30-45 minutes their driving would be fine, per a study published by the DOT in 1993. Then less than a week later another news item all over the broadcast news about a sheriff's office needing to let the public know that marijuana candy was found without proper labeling, so they felt they needed to warn the public that if it were accidently mixed with Halloween candy a child might be poisoned. This bothered me very much that the station owner was a reknowned cannabis prohibitionist and had no problem using his station to put forth the agenda that weed is bad. I really think they lost the six points on those two stunts alone.
At the bottom of it, I saw the Federal government, the popular media and local law enforcement colluding to mis-inform the public and hold sway over an election. That was strike one.
Then I cut back on TV stations ahead of being laid off, and started watching LinkTV, and specifically a show called Democracy Now. What knocked me off my feet was watching Lies and Mis-Reporting in the Middle East, a talk given by Robert Fisk. He seemed to make sense, and asked the audience to Google Area C, that the area of Palestine they were talking about was called Area C. When I looked online for a map of Area C it was very difficult to find one, and it was very difficult to make it out. When I watch the news on Channel 7, local network station, the map they show of Israel is one color, Israel and Palestine in one color, with some indistinguishable lined area under the color red. The fact the the occupation of Palestine by Israel, and that they slowly are claiming more and more of Palestine's land, and forcing the people to live in three small areas...it seems a bit like concentration camps to me. Especially the way they treat the people there. I guess it's impossible to know how much of the rockets are blow-back for occupation and treatment before that, and how much is simply ideological, but it follows that if you stop pissing your neighbor off they'll stop lying to their kids about your shit. The fact that low information voters are not given a clear and concise picture of the issues and the points of contention is not a testament to free speach, it is the opposite, and disgusting, and I am ashamed i was in front of that TV for 45 years. One year ago I had finally come to the conclusion that they should go with the one state solution and get it done with. I believed it, and thought there was a lot of support for it...like it matters what I as an American think about this.
Like I could even help push the government to change their foreign policy by having an opinion or sending a letter. But I'm jumping ahead....I found that I had been given a distorted picture of the Palestine/Israel conflict, and I had no idea it was intentionally being dragged out. When, after watching documentaries and Democracy Now for a couple of months, I saw one about Norman Finkelstein, and the singular moment of the movie was seeing Noam Chomsky saying, "If you examine his claims they're really quite tame." So, yet another dimension of media obfuscation was revealed...not the stupid slanderous pseudo-intellectual militia-man reveal, but a down to earth, watch and you see it clearly, they are on high alert and I wouldn't be surprised if they find me sitting here through my privacy filters...I'm not going to press it, it's not what this is about.
A famous actor was shocked that people didn't understand reality TV shows are scripted. Everything on TV is scripted. He took a year out of his busy career to make a mockumentary intended to help illuminate some of how we build a relationship with stars on TV, and how the TV industry capitalizes on that relationship. He spent a year just trying to help break their lens. I got it, I will be forever thankful. I am mad, but I know ultimately it was my choice to put so much faith in the TV, to think I was making a difference just by watching the news.
I've effectively disconnected from their lens, and their system of shows. I see the spin now. Once or twice a week I watch Mosaic News from Around the World, and instead of seeing the unbiased news from around the world, I see pretty clearly the spin of each nation. Germany has spin on DW. Israel has spin on their contribution. I'm having a harder time seeing the spin of Al Jazeera, which I've started watching every other day, sometimes twice. BBC's map of Israel is wrong also, and I detect spin and mis-direction, same as here.
On the day after the Republicans voted through the union busting bill in Wisconsin, in the middle of the night, against the normal and required vetting and discussion, there was nothing on network TV about it. It was all over Democracy Now, and Al Jazeera said the world is waiting to see if American's stand up like the People in Cairo. On my Channel 7 news they were blaring about Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, all fricken day, I kept checking if they'd mention it or how it would be portrayed.
Then I watched the movie, "Out Foxed," and it fit into what I knew of how the Wisconsin debate was being portrayed from a "Tea Party" view-point, not from the people of Wisconsin's viewpoint.
There is and has been so much mis-information that people's ideological stand-point can overtake their simple experience, and this is not encouraged as it should be with educational content of a social nature.
Much has been learned in the past 50 years but we're not allowed to see much of it because it would go against their interests, break certain ideological paradigms and accepted facts that are convenient in the continuous campaign.
I believe that every American should and must take themselves to task to re-examine their core political beliefs AFTER watching Democracy Now or Al Jazeera English or some independant news source side-by-side with their normal network news source for just three or four weeks. Get a sense of how our beliefs have been tampered with, and how bad for us media consolidation is.
there's good reason to be mad, don't you think?

Is Debt to China a form of destabilization, or just needing to feed the masses?

I saw a picture of a wealthy woman on the streets of New York, and thought of our mounting debt to China. To what extent is this lifestyle we are living being subsidized by the Chinese government? And, are our politicians pandering the people of the United States out to the Chinese? Some people are certainly making money, but they do it on the backs of poor Chinese workers (who should enjoy the same protections workers in the US are entitled to), but by and large the whole thing is leading more towards the bankrupting of the US. Free markets should be controlled exchanges, to be more fair to workers on both sides of the pond.

Nonviolence or Nonexistence

On Martin Luther King day, I watched Democracy Now, the recording is available online. I cried during the parts where he asked that no one bring us so low as to hate. This reverberated especially with me because of my intimate knowledge of how our inner dialog creates feelings of hate and violence, not the person we are thinking about or what they have done. So putting this all into an over-arching spiritual framework creates an inclusive framework in which creativity can take place. And, how creativity absolutely cannot take place when I am "below the line" so to speak, or in my reactive state.

It makes me tear up now, it feels like a cathartic or healthy sense shame, over allowing myself to edge even a little bit close to thinking bad things on others, and allowing myself the indulgence of cicling those same thoughts over and over; maybe mixed with some of the hurt behind the anger over the perceived injustices, but there's also definitely a sense of popping out of any sense of ill-will...and I feel more light and open, and grounded, and also on the edge of tears, but not bitter tears, they are deeper and full of awe and respect...Thank you Doctor King!

Copied from The Kingian site, I hope they don't mind, it's just so important for people to know this...

Martin Luther King, Jr. Philosophy on Nonviolent Resistance, Civil Rights Movement



During the civil rights movement, MLK Martin Luther King Jr. captured the attention of the nation with his philosophy of nonviolent resistance. According to Dr. King, this was the only solution that could cure society?s evil and create a just society. As King emerged as a leader in the civil rights movement, he put his belief into action and proved that this was an effective method to combat racial segregation.

Prior to becoming a civil rights leader, King entered a theological seminary in 1948 where he began to concentrate on discovering a solution to end social ills. Initially, he concluded that the while the power of love was a compelling force when applied to individual conflicts, it could not resolve social problems. He believed the philosophy of "turn the other cheek" and "love your enemies" applied only to conflicts between individuals and not racial groups or nations.

However, after reading about Mahatma Gandhi and his teachings, he changed his mind. King was struck by the concept of satyagraha, which means truth-force or love-force. He realized that "the Christian doctrine of love operating through the Gandhian method of nonviolence was one of the most potent weapons available to oppressed people in their struggle for freedom.? But it was not until the bus boycott in Montgomery, Alabama that King's intellectual realization about the power of love was put into action. As nonviolent resistance became the force behind the boycott movement, his concerns were clarified. He recognized that it was a powerful solution and he committed himself to this method of action.

Six Important Points about Nonviolent Resistance
First, he argued that even though nonviolence may be perceived as cowardly, it was not. In fact, it was a method that did resist. According to King, a nonviolent protester was as passionate as a violent protester. Despite not being physically aggressive, "his mind and emotions are always active, constantly seeking to persuade the opponent that he is mistaken.? Second, the point of nonviolent resistance is not to humiliate the opponent, but instead to gain his friendship and understanding. Further, the use of boycotts and methods of non-cooperation, were the "means to awaken a sense of moral shame in the opponent.? The result was redemption and reconciliation instead of the bitterness and chaos that came from violent resistance.
The third point King advanced was that the battle was against the forces of evil and not individuals. Tension was not between the races, but was "between justice and injustice, between the forces of light and the forces of darkness. And if there is a victory it will be a victory not merely for fifty thousand Negroes, but a victory for justice and the forces of light.? Thus, tension only existed between good and evil and not between people.

Fourth, nonviolent resistance required the willingness to suffer. One must accept violence without retaliating with violence and must go to jail if necessary. Accordingly, the end was more important than safety, and retaliatory violence would distract from the main fight. King believed that by accepting suffering, it led to "tremendous educational and transforming possibilities" and would be a powerful tool in changing the minds of the opponents.

King's fifth point about nonviolent resistance was that the "universe was on the side of justice." Accordingly, people have a "cosmic companionship" with God who is on the side of truth. Therefore, the activist has faith that justice will occur in the future.

King's sixth point was central to the method of nonviolent resistance. He believed the importance of nonviolence rested in the fact that it prevented physical violence and the "internal violence of spirit." Bitterness and hate were absent from the resisters mind, and replaced with love.

but he had the same views on war, in specific how America readily goes to war, and for the wrong reasons, and how we as a nation have caused death and destruction, and how this must chnage.

Martin Luther King video where he speaks on his opposition of the Vietnam War

how i find an inclusive way, where I hold creative redemptive goodwill towards all men...to help in some meaningfull way, will be my test.

Why The Parties Would Never Allow Campaign Contribution Reform

Just as the United States relies on it's ability to "project power accross the globe," the Republican and Democratic parties rely on their ability to present one candidate and push forward their agenda, that is part of their sales pitch to their consituents. We know many capable people are excluded from the process of selecting our politicians. We deserve to have better choices, not just the ones crafted from the party to push forth it's agenda, be that business related, or other, it does not serve the people's best interests.
The campaign playing field should be levelled. No more campaign contributions to muddy the World. I believe campaign contributions are what cause the most deaths out of all American foreign policy decisions.
America should take a note from the writers of Superman, and adopt policies which preserve human life above business concerns.